I've been wanting to start up a "Fish Jokes" page for a while but kept putting it off. The other day, an esteemed member (who will remain nameless) of the AquaticLife Yahoo Group sent me an email with a list of some that he thought might be too raunchy to send out to the group and after I got his permission, I am posting them here as the start of my new "Fish Jokes" page. They are now further down since I've added several new jokes/pics since then.
Added 05/23/2010 -
What is a nitrate?
Cheaper than a day rate.
(Thanks to \\Steve// again!)
And this next cartoon is thanks to Enid R.
Two Goldfish are in a tank, one says to the other, "You man the guns - I'll drive"
(Thanks to \\Steve// from the AquaticLife Yahoo Group)
Added 01/13/2010 -
Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam were old fish-buddies. But one day a terrible tragedy befell them. CLAMBAKE! And they were delicious.
So Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam went swimming up to fish-heaven where fish-St Peter met them at the gate. "Larry the Lobster," he said. "You've been a good lobster all your life. Welcome to fish-heaven." And fish-St Peter gave him his harp, and his halo, and his wings.
"But Sam the Clam," he said, "Tsk, tsk, tsk. I'm sorry, you have to go to fish-hell."
So the two old friends said their goodbyes and went their separate ways.
Half an eternity later, Larry the Lobster began to miss his old pal Sam the Clam so he asked fish-St Peter for a pass. Fish-St Peter thought about it for a few moments and suddenly a digital watch appeared on Larry the Lobster's arm. "OK, you have six hours. But you must keep your harp with you. It's the only thing that will protect you."
Larry the Lobster thanked him excitedly and went swimming down to fish-hell.
Turned out that Sam the Clam had opened up a club. There was music, there was drinking, there were half-naked lady fishes dancing on the counters! YEE-HA! PARTY TIME!!!
But time passed quickly and soon Larry the Lobster's alarm rang. The two old friends said their goodbyes and Larry the Lobster went swimming back up to fish-heaven. But he wasn't making such good time because he'd had a few too many (wink, wink) Shrimp Cocktails...
Larry the Lobster slipped through the gates just as fish-St Peter was closing them.
"Larry the Lobster!" fish-St Peter exclaimed. "Where have you been? You almost didn't make it back in time. Is that lipstick on your collar? Is that liquor on your breath? And WHERE'S YOUR HARP???"
Larry the Lobster, unsteady on his feet, looked at one claw. Nope. Not there.
He turned and looked at the other. Nope, not there either.
So he shrugged and he sang,
"I left my haaaaaaaarp in Sam Clam's discoooooooo..."
I can hear you groaning from here...
(Thanks to Kai from the AquaticLife Yahoo Group for this one)
Added 10/03/2009 -
Added 09/16/2009 -
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS FOR POND AND WATER GARDEN KEEPERS
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her.
"Kids On The Ocean"
This may be a tad too raunchy for general publication, but I thought I would share it with you guys, the moderators, so you can have a chuckle tonight.
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
BIG MOUTH BASS MAILBOX -
THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!!! -
Turtle Joke??? Yeah, I know, it's not a fish... but it is an aquatic turtle... a Red Ear Slider. ;-)
This has been around for a while, but now is even more relevant to the times...
YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his being our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was? The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.
I think this next one is self explanatory... thanks to Gwydryn/Enid for emailing it to me.
If you have any fish jokes or cartoons, please email them to me or post your jokes in the "Comments" below.
Lenny V. a/k/a GoldLenny